When the universe wants your soul...

I've carefully and at times carelessly examined the last 2 years of my life. Interesting as it is, its been less than desirable to live. But I'm not here to complain, because the person that stands before you today is the result of trial and error, failure and acceptance, the notion of falling and picking ones self up..repeatedly. I've tried to not be so cliche but in my almost desperate attempts not to be I find that I am. For example, when you're life is almost taken away from you, you do everything in your power to hold onto what's left because in fact, you never know when it will end. You don't put off that vacation, you don't wish you would have gone skydiving and you dont wait for the man who caught your eye to muster up the courage and ask you out...you just do it because you've learned that you've got nothing to lose and you've already been on that train ride of "whats the worst that could happen" The last two years of my life has shaped who I will be for the rest of it and its quite alright in fact, just a head scratcher when I really think about it.


(Lykke Li "time flies" press play...)

I’ve been running and not the kind of running to which you’re pacing yourself from the outset, but an outright your ass is on fire sprint only stopping if you either (A) pass out (B) catch a cramp in your hammy or (C) both. The outright assault on my lungs and legs was born of running from my faults, my flaws, my fears, my failures, my inadequacies, myself and it took losing everything for me to understand everything. Then suddenly its as if that resistance and build up of denying and running, and trying to forget or pretend that nothing has ever phased me in life, just washes away and you stop, knocked on your ass forced to look at the three self portraits painted very clearly of you. One is who you are today, the second is who you will be if you keep running and the third, is the person you want to be if you just learn how to accept what is and not worry about trying to change the shitty events of your past.

Maybe in the revolution of my existence at the peak of it all you’re susceptible to everything. Maybe its just adulthood knocking on my door asking for rent since I haven’t paid, and despite my attempts to pretend that I’m not home the knocking becomes louder more incessant. Its knocking so dramatically and been saying that everything, mostly everything  (I’d like to think I got something right) I’ve been fucking up and its here to collect but not monetarily but emotionally, physically, mentally.. you name it it takes it and no amount of money, pleading or false promises can make it go away. Its telling you to confront what you've been hiding from because if you don't it will only get worse and you will not survive much longer. 


To change is to recognize and to recognize is to adapt and to adapt is the means of survival.

I don’t expect anyone to really understand the depths and recesses for which I’ve come out of, I just want those who care, to understand that I get it now. I’m human and have made many mistakes for which I have yet to atone for, but I believe that my heart, my intentions are bigger and greater than any mistake I have or will ever make.

So maybe its not the fact that the universe wants my soul, maybe the knocking was just a way to tell me, to wake the fuck up because everything that you've ever wanted in your life and for your life is right in front of you, that you have to just change your approach a bit because change is in fact survival.

The Misadventures of dating in a digital world.

Being single has presented itself to me with many challenges, the biggest challenge I find is that men want me to categorize my dating preferences when in fact, I dont have many outside of the physical perspective. I've dated all types, races, socioeconomic backgrounds etc... So my adventures in dating world of almost 2 years has taken me to the online world, and what a world it is. I say that to say its extremely interesting and if you aren't careful you will either be very disturbed by what you find or you can have a since of humor about it all. It really can throw you for a loop. I've had guys present themselves online as they weren't in real life, meaning... We'd chat, get to the formalities out of the way. They'd say they hadn't been in a relationship in over a year, never married, worked out 3-4x a week, never drank or smoked but when we met, I noticed the tan line on his left ring finger, he was 30lbs overweight, said he was 25 but looked 40, had to step out every 5 minutes for a cigarette break and when he went to take some cash out his wallet I noticed a family photo. No bullshit, I've lived all of this, sometimes all at once. I've quickly learned that with online dating, people present themselves as who they'd like to be (even if its only 5 years ago) rather than who they are today.


Don't even get me started on this new sensation called "Pexting" (penis texting) like seriously guy...why?! (For those who dont know pexting is the act of taking a picture of your penis and text messaging that to a girl) Seeing your penis isn't revolutionary. Seen one you seem them all, so yours wont change my life. It will just make me forget you that much quicker, and you will also be fodder for me and my girlfriends to chat about. That and you're penis picture will be circulated to my girls (and some boys) faster than you can say "uncircumcised".


So in addition to my previous blog about defining love etc etc...I've also narrowed my ideal guy to the following paragraph. I find it comical because it answers nothing and everything at the same time and when guys have read it, they seemed to have found what they were looking for, when i'm thinking to myself, how did this ambiguous paragraph help you... It is as follows:


"My ideal guy is someone who is like minded with me in health, perspective, love, ambition, adventure and peacefulness. My ideal guy isn't easily distracted from his goals and has a plan to achieve them. He's focused, task oriented, compassionate, passionate and knows that life is only what he can make of it. My ideal guy is affectionate and lets me know where he stands on any given moment. My ideal guy is faithful, strong willed and not afraid to call me out on my shit. My ideal guy tells me how it is, not what he thinks I may want to hear. He's not timid but not overtly aggressive or domineering. My ideal guy hangs with his friends but when he comes home, I can tell how much he had missed me. My ideal guy is creative, loves to go out and people watch, his perspective can be black or white but knows i live in the gray area, my ideal guy knows that a way to a woman's heart is patience and understanding..."


Maybe i'm too honest with who I am, online or otherwise. Maybe by some stretch of the imagination I expect people to be the same way, be who you say you are as there is nothing wrong with it. Call me old fashioned. But if you can allow yourself to forget the taboo of online dating and understand what it really is, you will understand why millions may swear by it. Its filled a niche, that void of trying to have an awkward conversation with a guy or girl that interests you, it gives you a behind the scenes look at how they view themselves. Think of it this way, if there wasn't such a demand for sites such as Match, the POF's, eHarmony's of the world they wouldn't be making millions with the services they provide, whether free or otherwise. If there weren't millions of people searching, wanting & needing an easier way to meet and communicate with like minded folks and break those barriers that quite often you find in a bar, club or local watering hole these sites wouldn't exist.. Hell many people do it just to get out of their usual social circle. It has a proven formula with the common denominator of one thing, people are incredibly lonely in this world and so desperately want acceptance and validation of their existence. 


Now I'm not saying this online thing will work for me, if anything I get a kick out of observing people when they least suspect it. Maybe i'm over thinking this whole dating thing in totality, but surely if there was an easier way to date, I would have found it by now. The jury is still out on whether i'll continue my online dating ventures but, it hasn't disappointed in my observation of the human experience, if anything its helped me understand men (people) moreso than I thought I had.


To be continued...

My drug of choice...

....How do you define it?
Have you ever really been apart of it?
....Do you want it?
..What does it all mean to you...
What will you do to get it?

Love.

We all know what pain, rejection and the absence of what love feels like and can equally articulate such. But many when asked to define what love means to them, couldn't easily answer my question or stammered to find the right words. I think if we can learn to articulate what it means to/for us (different meanings for everyone), we have a better chance of not only finding it, but making it last. When we realize there is no such thing as a story book romance, partners running towards each other in a field of daisies and nothing can ever be like "the notebook" can we begin to understand what it takes to achieve it. To understand that being happy with what you have, does not mean settling but appreciating. Also when we understand the concept that love is fleeting will we begin to nurture the aftermath. We also will begin to work hard at keeping what we have or appreciating what was there for us at the time.

At the end of the day with everything, it is what we make of it and everything we make of it, is the result of what we put into it. If you give nothing, you will get nothing. In the absence of truth, there is no love.

Love is to me, as it maybe for others. But if we cannot appropriately define what it is, we will always walk tirelessly, aimlessly in its shadow instead of rejoicing in the light.

-Stay blessed and stay focused.

Life, liberty and my rise from the ashes...

I've had a lot of time as of late to reflect on my life of the last year. This time last year, I was in the hospital in the fight for my life. I had no idea what hit me, neither did the doctors or my family. There I lay many days unconscious, doctors telling my family I wouldn't make it. The surgeries they preformed seemed to help but they weren't certain. They really had no idea initially what was wrong with me. Stomach surgeries, I think about 4, blood transfusions 2, breathing tubes, needles, IV's and tubes in every orifice. I can't help to think, along with my doctors, that I am a miracle and all because of an extremely rare bacteria and pneumonia that did its best to kill me.

22 days in the ER unit of the hospital, first name basis with all my doctors, rehab to learn how to walk again because when you're bed ridden for weeks your legs atrophy quickly. Two blood transfusions, stomach VAC's to which my nurse attended every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Blood drawn every morning at 7am like clock work. They wouldn't allow me to eat for about a week after I woke up, just to make sure my system could properly pass the things I ingested. 20lbs lost, no sense of privacy at all, because if the nurses need to come and change you, or wipe your backside down, there's no comfortable way to go about it all.

I must say, my team of doctors and nurses were all awesome. I dont think I could have been treated any better than I was, they made sure I was comfortable, made sure I never was in any pain, made sure I had clean sheets, heated blankets and tried to reserve any humility and dignity a 28 year old could have in that situation, besides as many of them had said, they just dont get people in the hospital like me, furthermore they don't get many who came in my condition to walk out... ever. I can still remember their faces when they saw me awake and conscious, it was as if they saw a true ghost or witnessed a miracle at that very moment. I'll never forget it, i'll never forget any of it. And after all of that I actually was able to walk out under my own will, no meds, only aftercare nurses needed outside of tending my stomach wound from the surgery that was still healing. I walked out healthier than when I came in. I had to rest, I had to regain my strength mentally and physically, I was winded when I walked, it was hard for me to walk up 4 steps without taking a stop for a breath. This coming from someone who took immaculate care of themselves. Hardly ever drank, never smoked or abused drugs, worked out 3-4x a week.

 As I reflect I often think, had it been any different, had I went to any other hospital, had my family waited any longer, I wouldnt be here and that's not speculation.

Now, if you would have told me through all of that, that one year later. I would have picked up, packed up from the familiarity of Philadelphia and moved to Las Vegas to pursue my passion of being a professional poker player and later move to a place I've always coveted in California with a better job opportunity, I wouldn't have thought it that far fetched, but at the time wouldn't have seen how it could be possible.

Everything I am is a testament to what I've always done in my life. I've always tried to live it right,  i've never given up, even when the situation more than calls for it, I always see the bright side of things, and some how I always seem to come out better than when I started. I've often believed that you can let the best of a bad situation get you down, or you can get a hold of the best in a bad situation. The strength I didn't think I had, in hindsight, I had so much more than I could have ever recognized.

My whole ordeal will never been too far from my heart, head or stomach. Its changed me in many ways, they say scars remind you that your past is real, well i'm glad I carry this badge of honor (picture below) and that my past will never be too far behind me.